Money shot in the arm: stimulus checks used for porn

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA — President Bush’s stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating: According to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, many porn websites have reported membership increases of up to 30 percent.

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Man joins Victoria’s Secret thong injury lawsuit, claims thong “hurt my balls”

LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”

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Couple caught doing it in confessional told that’s only for priests

CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy.

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The Cocky Grow Cockier: Athletes Abuse Viagra

Revelations that famously cocky Roger Clemens — as well as hordes of other professional athletes — regularly used Viagra to enhance onfield performance are roiling the sports world today. And you thought it couldn’t get any harder for the All-Star pitcher.

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Duct-tape hands-free headset spells relief for Calif. drivers

VENICE, CA — Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it’s illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. His patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.

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Pentagon Gets Corporate Sponsors, New Name: KBR-Halliburton-Blackwater Center

ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America’s sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it’s the country’s military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by the corporations actually waging the nation’s wars.

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Fox News Calls for “Terrorist Fist Jab” Internment Camps

NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.

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Rep. Rohrbacher’s interrogation-by-panty-hat obsession explained

WASH. D.C. — Puzzling many, illustrious conservative congressman Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) managed to poo-poo panty hat torture eight times Wednesday during House Foreign Affairs Committee hearings on harsh interrogation tactics.

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BOOKS

Life Taken by the Throat

“Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat” said Robert Frost. In Sharp Teeth, a novel written in the freest of free verse by Toby Barlow, poetry is evidently taking a vicious bite down to the esophagus, ripping apart bloody limbs, gnawing on bone and sinew and discarding the refuse in the trash can of a gas station bathroom.

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DOGTOWN INK

Girl with the Anime Ink

When you say someone has Japanese style tattoos, you don’t usually mean Hello Kitty — unless you’re talking about Venice, California’s Malina Huang.

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DOGTOWN INK

C’s FOR CYBELE WITH HER GOREY TATTOO

A tattoo of two children hitting each other over the head with croquet mallets graces Cybele O’Brien’s left shoulder. It’s an illustration by that master of morbid, Edward Gorey, from his book The Epiplectic Bicycle.

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