VENICE, CA — Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it’s illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving.

“When I heard the news, I thought: ‘Gas is expensive, Bluetooth is expensive, lots of folks have to do business on the phone while they’re sitting in traffic — what would I do if I had a job?’” Sperry told reporters, who gathered outside the storage space currently serving as home to his unnamed start-up company, as well as him and his seventeen cats.

Sperry’s patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.

“I created this not so much to help my fellow man as to hopefully make a shitload of money for me,” Sperry told reporters.

While the headset he’s calling the Call Jockey (”Because it’s shaped like one!”) is only in its prototype phase, Sperry insists he’s ready to ramp up production.

“I got a pallet of duct tape, ten cases of PBR and a cellphone taped to my head just waiting to take your call and create your custom headset on the spot,” said Sperry. “You can either come by for a fitting or I’ll mail it to you with directions on how to size it, which is one of my trade secrets.”

While Sperry insists that what he calls “tongue texting” is a breeze with his headset, his response to this reporter’s request for a sample was cryptic: “Oy4kf##hal;dioubncm.x.s/.d.%,” read his return text.

“It helps if you play harmonica,” said Sperry, as he continued stabbing at the phone with his tongue.

“That piece of skin underneath my tongue attaches all the way to the tip, so I don’t get a lot of reach…plus I don’t remember where the letters are. Otherwise tongue texting is a breeze…though I’m gonna have to rig a mirror up to read your response…I’ll text myself a note about that.”

“.s/.d.4ijo8h$$$$$..dfo”