Water Guzzling Benefits Debunked, Beer Guzzling Research Ongoing

by doglord

The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete.

“We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”

Leaky was asked what challenges researchers faced.

“There are frequent trips to the head, for sure,” Leaky confirmed. “But eight glasses of water a day kept us peeing, too — though generally in the toilet. After guzzling eight beers, most of my team is lucky to even get it in the rest room.”

Still, Leaky insists the team is deeply committed.

“We’re especially adamant that any human testing is done on ourselves,” said Leaky. “In that regard, we feel a great kinship with early vaccine researchers who injected themselves with trial vaccines, except that we’re way more belligerent and eat a lot of bar snacks.”

Despite the team’s insistence on only using themselves as test subjects, Leaky does feel that help is on the way.

“The things that everyday people like Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart are doing for the cause,” said Leaky. “His work with beer bongs is second to none. Regardless of whether it ultimately proves useful to our research — and despite any sanctions imposed on him by the NFL — we’re sure that, unless he gets whiskey dick, he’s getting laid a lot.”

Topic: Breaking News | Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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