Foot-Binding Theory Mezmerizes Bigfoot Community

by doglord

It came to the longtime bigfoot hunter in a flash…

Eugene Geewilliker, of Hope, AK, awoke late one September 2007 Sunday morning to strange noises outside his doublewide.

“I immediately suspected bigfoot.”

Streaking outside “in the altogether,” Geewilliker made a surprise discovery that has mezmerized the global bigfoot community.

“Footprints!” Geewilliker recalls, shaking visibly before cracking a beer and continuing. “Millions of tiny footprints! Everywhere you turned! Some only a few inches long. Some wearing little shoes!”

“That’s when it hit me,” Geewiliker continued, between sips of beer. “It was like a bomb went off in my head. I turned to Eunice and just blurted it out: ‘They’re binding they’re godforsaken feet!'”

“He was horrified, white as a ghost,” Geewilliker’s live-in girlfriend, Eunice Cobb, remembers of what was actually early afternoon rather than late morning.

“We have, like, 8 to 10 little ones, and to find all them prints—to know bigfoot was literally up our a***s in that trailer with all them kids—was more than either of us could handle.”

Cobb—also clearly shaken by the memory—nursed a PBR of her own.

“At least Gene was able to write up his theory.”

Like so many in the bigfoot-hunting community, bigfoot has bedeviled Geewilliker for years. Though he’d never before found a shred of evidence supporting the existence of the creature, Geewilliker had made a career of hunting the bigfoot.

“It wasn’t real lucrative,” he recalls, cracking another cold one. “Still isn’t.”

But suddenly he had hard evidence of the monsters’ existence…with a twist.

“If Gene’s theory proves to be true—and I think it’s only a matter of time before it is—then bigfoot is much more cunning than we ever imagined: He/she lives among us.”

So says Professor Roy Gunt, Anomanologist at Idaho Voc-Tech.

“We’ve long assumed bigfoot is related to the Himalayan yeti, and that the monsters’ ancestors snuck across the same land bridge from Asia as Native Americans when they weren’t looking,” he said.

“Yet we had no idea whatsoever that they brought with them the ancient Chinese ritual of foot-binding. I now believe that most bigfoot monsters in North America bind their feet to ensure their footprints are virtually indistinguishable from a young Chinese girl’s,” he said.

“It’s only the ‘back-to-nature’ bigfeet still skulking around forests that didn’t get the memo about foot binding. And they’re surprisingly good at covering their tracks.”


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