SHAFTER, CA — Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska today announced her decision to abandon her run for vice president in order to head the Republican ticket.

“I just got ta thinkin’, ya know, winnin’ the VP would be like winnin’ first runner-up, and that’s not winnin’ — even if it is better than second runner-up,” Palin told reporters. “Plus, ya know, the way Senator McCain talks about they didn’t elect him Miss Congeniality, I think it’s a disgrace. He deserves to win a Miss Congeniality before he gets any older and crankier.”

Asked how Senator McCain, who originally invited her onto the Republican ticket as his running mate, would feel about her decision, Palin displayed her typical load of spunk.

“I may not answer the question the way you want me to,” said Palin. “I’m speaking to Joe Six-packs out there, and six beers in, you think they give a rip? Hell, they just want me to strip.”

Senator Palin was then asked how, exactly, she’d get on the ballot having missed the official filing deadlines in literally every state.

“I’m already on the ballot,” she said. “And Senator McCain, god bless his angry maverick heart, he’s been lookin’ a little green around the gills lately and my husband is a fisherman and he says that’s how the fish he catches look right before he hits ‘em on the head with a pair of pliers.”