Study: More Americans In Rehab Than Out

by doglord

A new study finds more Americans in rehab than out, though hard numbers for those who are out were difficult to obtain (given that most were “out” clubbing or “out” cold from the previous night’s clubbing).

Interviewed at Malibu’s exclusive, Alibi Room Recovery Center and Spa during a break between a 2-step meeting and a Happy Ending massage, the study’s author, Mel Gibson, gave it to DI straight (at least he appeared straight).

“Rehab’s an excellent way to network,” Gibson said. “I’m no Scientologist, so networking in Hollywood’s tough. Rehab’s really put me in touch with all kinds of out-of-touch Hollywood celebrities.”

Of course, it’s not just pill-popping, Jack-swilling, meth-snorting, bong-hitting, skin-popping, 8-balling Americans who have developed a penchant for heading to rehab after treating everyone in their lives like shit, blaming a Jewish cabal for their woes and commandeering strangers’ cars to chase jilted lovers.

Blow monkey Brits Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse, too, have benefited from showering for the first time in weeks at rehab facilities. They’ve also appreciated an excuse for their bad behavior and time to sober up enough for financial advisers to advise them to get their shit together or apply for food stamps.

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