SAN DIEGO, CA — One hundred college students were busted here this week for selling drugs…inducing a sigh of relief from the 20 million other college students selling drugs everywhere else who weren’t busted.
“Whooooaaaa, dude,” said Gary Weed, of the University of Colorado, Boulder. “San Diego’s pretty close to here…we’ve got some really skunky kush for, like, fifty-an-eighth.”
While headlines across the nation fairly hyperventilated over the growing number of students implicated in the bust — first 50, then 70, then up to 100! — college students elsewhere remained chill due to the fact that their sources, namely fellow students, were still answering texts regarding scoring for the weekend.
“I was kinda worried about getting my Adderall,” said Yale Law Student, Stansfield “Crazy Legs” Goodwin. “I’ve got a lot of studying to do and I like to be real jittery for it.”
Not surprisingly, black market Viagra prices shot through the roof — okay, well, not through the roof, but the inflation was, shall we say, impressive. Not that coeds are doing a lot of Viagra, but the people who do are really desperate to keep it coming — in a manner of speaking.
“I don’t know why they busted those kids,” said a young woman shielding her face outside Crawford Community College in Crawford, Texas. “I’ve got a lot of people coming into town this weekend for a wedding. I mean, my friend does. They’re gonna wanna party so she needs to score. Not to mention, I’m gonna need something to take the edge off, I mean, my friend who’s getting married is going to need something to take the edge off. Her grandmother is soooo uptight — though her dad’s always ready to do a blast. Do you know where my friend can score an 8-ball around this dump?”