NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.
“Anyone who knows anything about terrorism knows we need to lock up all these terrorist fist jabbers, pronto,” said Roger Ailes, who, as president of Fox News Channel, knows as much about terrorizing the U.S. citizenry as anyone outside the Bush administration, save Laura Ingraham and Carrot Top.
“Thank god and country that E.D. Hill is a pandering sleaze bag of a ‘journalist’ like everyone else at Fox News. Otherwise, we might have wound up with a terrorist for president…other than George W, that is.”
How “terrorist fist jabs” have gone unnoticed by Americans until Fox News outed the Obamas may have something to do with Fox’s keen eye for trends, a trait they share with they’re aging viewers.
“It turns out virtually all pro athletes use the terrorist fist jab to communicate their terrorist affiliations,” Ailes told reporters, before nodding off and nearly deep-throating his cigar.
Informed the gesture is usually referred to as a “fist bump,” Ailes didn’t miss a beat.
“We’re going to need to lock a lot of people up, most of them African-American,” the Fox News honcho insisted, “which just happens to fit nicely with Fox News and Republican Party objectives.”
Fox News is also reporting that, contrary to what many saw as a terrorist fist jab between terrorist colleagues, the bump exchanged by Senators Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) and Diane Feinstein (D-CA) recently on CNN was actually a Hutchinson ploy.
“Kay was working underground for us on this, as so she often does.” said Ailes. “She was testing Senator Feinstein to see if she was a terrorist. And, of course, we all saw Feinstein’s un-American gesture.”