Roger Clemens Denies Steroid Use, Punches Out Congress

by doglord

Thirty-nine-time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Roger Clemens returned to Capitol Hill today to testify before a congressional panel on performance-enhancing drugs. Repeating denials that he’d ever used them, Clemens dropped to the floor for 300 clapping push-ups before punching out everyone on the panel.

It was obvious Clemens was pumped from the moment he sprinted into the hearing room and began “warming up” (his words) by winging autographed baseball “keepsakes” at the congresspeoples’ heads.

Unfortunately for the lawmakers, few thought to wear batting helmets to the hearing, though Dennis Kucinich had on his familiar foil space helmet.

“WHAT THE F**K MAKES YOU THINK I DO STEROIDS!” Clemens implored member-after-member of the panel, as he “came off the mound” to punch out each one in turn.

“THE TRUTH?? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” Clemens was heard to shout at the stove-in head of one lawmaker (who was difficult to ID due to his/her stove-in head).

Clemens’ wife Debbie, brought into the chamber to calm the situation, was quickly drawn into the one-sided battle.

“She went off like a bleach-blond keg of dynamite,” according to one eyewitness.

“AFTER THE DISMAL PERFORMANCE YOU’VE BEEN PUTTING ON,” Debbie Clemens was heard screaming, as she repeatedly head-butted Majority Leader Pelosi, “MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE SO FRIKKIN’ QUICK TO JUDGE PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!”

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