Vatican: OK to believe in aliens (merger with Scientology in the works)

by doglord

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican said yesterday that it’s okay for the faithful to believe in space aliens — paving the way for a rumored merger with the Church of Scientology. Officials from that star-studded, sci-fi-based religion couldn’t be reached for comment as they were attempting to reassure the public that, despite getting creepier and creepier, Tom Cruise is not from another planet — that’s ex-Nicole Kidman.

The Vatican — without confirming or denying merger rumors — insisted that a Scientology acquisition would not be motivated by Pope Benedikt’s displeasure at not being cast in T-Cruise’s much-anticipated Nazi movie “Valkyrie.” 

“As a former Hitler Youth, the Pope is always interested in movies where T-Cruise goose steps in full Nazi regalia,” the Vatican said. “That said, for most of our clergy, simple tighty whiteys would have sufficed.” 

Plans are said to be afoot for a Vatican City-Scientology collaboration on a “Battlefield Earth” remake with Pope Benedikt in the role of dreadlocked space alien Terl, played in the original by John Travolta and his massive codpiece. Rumors are aswirl that a role for Tom Cruise has been added for the remake: The terrifying, not gay space alien Tom Cruise from Planet Whathefuk. 

“As for the whole aliens deal,” the Vatican said, getting back on message, “Of course there are aliens, the Church is much cooler now about acknowledging our marginal role in the Universe than we were when we locked up Galileo for letting the cat out of the bag.”

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