VENICE, CA — Despite plummeting sales, plant closings and massive lay-offs, analysts say the automotive industry is actually experiencing strong job growth, fueled by a thriving smash-and-grab sector and industrious gas re-salers.
“Why pay the terrorists $150-a-barrel when we’ve got major untapped gas reserves right here at home,” said self-described wildcatter John Doe (not his real name), as he spit out a mouthful of gas he’d tapped from what he called a “mobile reservoir” located, in of all places, an SUV parked in a Lincoln Boulevard Motel 6 parking lot.
“I sell high-octane for half what they do at the pump,” Doe said. “I consider myself a patriot.”
With the price of metals going through the roof, job-seekers willing to go that extra mile and commit felony theft of catalytic converters are finding all the work they can handle beneath neighbor’s light trucks and SUV’s. Perhaps more importantly, they’re finding themselves wanted, something many never experienced in prior careers.
“Those Armenian dudes at the demo yards out in Sun Valley love me,” said Doe. “Even the local police want me, though I never see them since I work the 3am to 5am ‘donut shift.'”