ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America’s sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it’s the country’s military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by the corporations actually waging the nation’s wars.
“We could afford primo real estate when we were charging $5000-a-crack for toilet seats–no pun intended,” Army Brigadier General Bud Catheter said today. “Now that we’re outsourcing, it’s companies like KBR and Halliburton who are doing a big chunk of the graft, fraud and corruption biz we once did. They’re the big players now and they deserve the big venues.”
Blackwater’s CEO, evangelical, anti-gay, anti-environment trust funder, Erik Prince, is a big believer in the corporatization of the nation’s military installations. The KBR-Halliburton-Blackwater Center will reportedly contain luxury cubicles and mini-bar-equipped war rooms.
“It just makes sense that we’re tasked with upgrading the Pentagon for a new generation of war profiteering,” said Prince. “The private sector has proven much better at not getting the job done than government bureaucrats ever could.”
Asked how his company and Dick Cheney shell companies Halliburton and KBR could afford the planned lavish upgrade, Prince assured reporters that, in addition to the approximately $10 billion in Iraq war funding that’s already unaccounted for, Blackwater and the Cheney firms were racking up spoils of war.
When pressed if such “spoils” hadn’t historically gone to the victor, Prince pointed to Bush’s “mission accomplished” declaration as evidence corporations like his had won the war in Iraq.
“That, and the fact there’s still $10 billion unaccounted for,” Prince said.