LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”
“I, too, cried out in pain,” said Larry Terry, of his experience with the offending butt floss. “The only difference between Macrida’s injury and my own is that, in my case, it was my jewels that did the hurting, not Victoria’s Secret’s. Plus I didn’t shoot myself in the eye–I haven’t done that since I was nineteen.”
Terry, who wore a kilt under which he claimed was a large bag of Igloo brand ice cradling his own, insisted he’s been forced to go “commando” since his own thong incident.
“The really scary thing is, I’ve been known to wear thongs on my head,” Terry told reporters. “Imagine if I’d used that thong as a panty hat…I might not be here today to speak to you. I might have been turned into a retard.”
Terry has reportedly retained celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to represent him.
“If there’s gonna be anymore ball-busting going on, it’s going to be done by Gloria,” Terry said. “And she’s agreed to stand off where I can see her at all times.”
In the end, for Terry, it’s all about support, something he insists the Victoria’s Secret thong provided him precious little of.
“I just didn’t feel right letting Macrida go it alone trying to stop their jewels from shooting someone else in the eye,” Terry said. “Alternately, I didn’t want to see anyone else get their balls hurt–those panties really hurt my balls.”