NEW YORK, NY — The three bears reportedly scared from a New Jersey backyard by a cocker spaniel puppy have come forward with a very different account of events. “First off, we’re grown men — albeit really hairy gay ones…”
LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”
ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America’s sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it’s the country’s military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by the corporations actually waging the nation’s wars.
CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy.
NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.
The Cocky Grow Cockier: Athletes Abuse Viagra on 2410 2008
Revelations that famously cocky Roger Clemens — as well as hordes of other professional athletes — regularly used Viagra to enhance onfield performance are roiling the sports world today. And you thought it couldn’t get any harder for the All-Star pitcher.
Obama THAT ONE posters free for the taking! on 238 2008
McCain-inspired Obama THAT ONE posters hit the Internet shortly after the debate and they’re yours for the taking!
McCain to hawk speechmaking DVD on 236 2008
NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John “That Weird Smile” McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he’s created by marketing a speechmaking DVD.
WASH. D.C. — Puzzling many, illustrious conservative congressman Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) managed to poo-poo panty hat torture eight times Wednesday during House Foreign Affairs Committee hearings on harsh interrogation tactics.
McCain adopts newer slogan: “I’m the white guy” on 235 2008
Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan “A leader we can believe in” from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: “I’m the white guy.”