VENICE, CA — David, the subject of Michelangelo’s world-renowned sculpture, may have slain Goliath back in the BC, but after a few short months on a whirlwind American art tour, he’s succumbed to a more powerful foe: double-meat double-cheese with curly fries.
The tour was canceled today after morbid weight gain by the formerly lithesome sculpture caused a hefty drop in museum attendance.
“They say it’s my weight, but I already weighed, like, two tons — what’s a couple hundred extra pounds?” said the marble statue, through the Travelocity lawn dwarf, who has become his constant travel companion here in America.
“I’m still tiny compared to most of the fat-asses who shuffle past me ogling my junk. And they do ogle my junk — whether or not I can.”
Unfortunately for the former masterpiece, he can’t.
“Let’s face it, Dave’s more or less a microphallus. It was the hard body people came to see and now…” said Terry Biggs, a morbidly obese, former fan of Michelangelo’s hot young dude sculpture. Biggs shook his head sadly.
“It’s not like I can’t sympathize: I haven’t seen my own groin without a mirror in years. But I expect a museum quality piece such as Dave to at least be able to see his own groin without a mirror.”
The sculpture’s unbridled consumption has left his handlers with their hands full: They had to upsize his shipping crate three or four times. Then there were the charges for additional baggage, something David’s travel companion says he knows a little something about.
“It’s stark size-ism, that’s all it is,” said the Travelocity dwarf. “We told them we’d do a juice cleanse.”
I did not create this awesome image, it was sent to me by a friend who believes her friend created it. I will gratefully give credit where credit is due. — doglord