In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God.

“Talk about restoring your faith in the Lord,” said Larry Terry, former president of Atheists.org, a post from which he retired this morning after news reports that frequent masturbation lowers a male’s chance of developing prostate cancer. “How can you argue there’s not a God after news like that? I’ve been SAVED!”

Others clearly shared Terry’s sentiment, as atheist organizations from around the world saw a stark drop in male members. Despite the desertion of nearly all males from such atheist groups, non-believer orgs actually saw a surge in membership, as fed-up females flooded their rosters.

“That’s the last straw,” said Sister Mary Tenacious, who claimed she’d be disavowing her nun-ly vows as soon as she finished her application to Atheists.org. “As any woman of the cloth knows, all kinds of things try your faith. But a world where playing with yourself benefits only men, I mean, heck with God if that’s how he’s gonna be.”

Other women weren’t as quick to question researchers’ claims…or God.

“I see God every time I touch myself,” claimed Christina Amphlett, lead singer of the DiVinyls. “Why else do you think I’m singing about touching myself all the time?”