Researchers prove masturbation reduces risk of cancer…and there is a God after all!

by doglord

In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God.

“Talk about restoring your faith in the Lord,” said Larry Terry, former president of, a post from which he retired this morning after news reports that frequent masturbation lowers a male’s chance of developing prostate cancer. “How can you argue there’s not a God after news like that? I’ve been SAVED!”

Others clearly shared Terry’s sentiment, as atheist organizations from around the world saw a stark drop in male members. Despite the desertion of nearly all males from such atheist groups, non-believer orgs actually saw a surge in membership, as fed-up females flooded their rosters.

“That’s the last straw,” said Sister Mary Tenacious, who claimed she’d be disavowing her nun-ly vows as soon as she finished her application to “As any woman of the cloth knows, all kinds of things try your faith. But a world where playing with yourself benefits only men, I mean, heck with God if that’s how he’s gonna be.”

Other women weren’t as quick to question researchers’ claims…or God.

“I see God every time I touch myself,” claimed Christina Amphlett, lead singer of the DiVinyls. “Why else do you think I’m singing about touching myself all the time?”


This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Breaking News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

1 Comment so far

  1. 1 Ben on April 23, 2008 12:49 am

    No way…

    I think we will now all masturbate more frequently. Most people who work a lot especially in Asian countries who live to work.. Don’t masturbate or even have s3x often so this would be perfect for them.




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