Following is Dogtown Ink’s new(ish) advice column If U Ask Mia by Life Coach to the Stars (and pretty much anyone else who’ll throw her a bone), Mia Montequilla. Mia has been the balm in my Gilead on more than one occasion. If you have a question for Mia, please submit in the form of a comment (below) until we get her email deal sorted out. – Doglord
Dear Mia-
When my boyfriend and I make love, I like to listen to Seal. His music makes me feel like the moment is just for us. But, my boyfriend always changes the music to Billy Squire. What’s going on?
Dear Kiss From a Rose-
I’m sure you are a pretty petal, but something tells me you and Mr. Cock Rock are on different pages. If he were on your page, even in your chapter, you’d at least be hearing Nelson in your shared moment. Sorry, Flower, but I’m willing to bet that in Mr. Stroke Me’s version of the story you are girl-fun and not girlfriend.
Dear Mia-
My fiance and I talk about starting a family after we are married, but we can’t agree on baby names. I hate his choices. It is so frustrating! What should we do?
Dear Frustrated Baby Branders:
I suggest following the common rule that a baby should be named after the car in which it was conceived. As for the middle name, a favored liqueur adds a note of distinction and class.
Try these for a girl: Toyota Campari, Lexus Absinth, Kia Midori
For a boy: Pacer Pernod, Skylark Sambuca, Chevy Goldschlager-Schlitz
Hyphens are, of course, appropriate when incorporating a beer-back.
Dear Mia-
My friend is concerned that I drink alone. The thing is, I don’t drink alone, my higher power is always present where ever I am. Am I doing something wrong?
Dear Highball in Heaven-
No, you are not doing anything wrong, unless, of course, you are drinking blended frozen drinks or white zin. You see, God took great care and effort to create us in His image, and I am certain that He would find such open displays of bad taste and lack of class sinful indeed. When I picture God, high in Heaven with His flowing white beard and billowing blue robes, he is always sipping gin, up, with extra olives. Unless it is before noon on a Sunday, when a Mimosa is the more prudent choice.
