Following is the first installation of Dogtown Ink’s new advice column If U Ask Mia by Life Coach to the Stars (and pretty much anyone else who will throw her a bone), Mia Montequilla. Mia has personally been my bridge over troubled waters time and again, though it should be noted, I do pay extra for rough stuff.

The first of the following questions came from a real person. The second one is a trick test question I — posing as an unreal person — posed to her. Needless to say, Mia passed with flying colors.

If you have a question for Mia, please submit in the form of a comment (below) until we get her email deal sorted out. – Doglord

Dear Mia:

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me via text message:  “u r gr8 i cnt c u n e more”. Is this ok? I’m mean I met his mom and sister for lunch, TWICE!

Dear u:

Assuming u are not 14 and u 2 did not meet at Band Camp, and if in fact you have been in a six-month adult relationship with a man you did not meet while doing body shots during Girl’s Night Out, then no, being broken up with via text message is not, as you say, “ok.”

First, to the gentleman poet: Do you have the interpersonal skills of a band dork? Really. Six months warrants an in-person talk. If you feel you might absolutely die if girl-tears touch your skin, then be only kind of a dick and call her so she can hear your voice. That said, the average cell phone has the capacity to send a 160 character message in which complete words, if not sentences, are at your disposal…pussy.

Second, to u: Why r u upset about the pussy leaving u? Come ON. The signs were there. U should have broken up with him. Dust off ur self-esteem and move on. No one wants to date someone they can break up with via text!

Dear Mia,

My boyfriend is a life-long vegetarian and has some religious taboos surrounding bacon, but I know he’d love it if he tried it. Should I fool him into eating some?

Dear Hickory Smoked Girlfriend-

Bacon is a healthy part of any mature relationship, and I would caution you to slow down and take stock of whether you and your beloved actually share the important values that contribute to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. I suggest honey cured bacon, as it is delicious. If he resists, or balks at your attempts, remind yourself that you chose a man who was fooled into believing pork stands between himself and his god.