WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doctors here today raced to repair John McCain after the notoriously hot-tempered Senator repeatedly shot himself in the foot in recent days, calling the economy fundamentally strong before deciding it’s in crisis; railing against an AIG bailout one day then backing it the next; insisting campaign chief Rick Davis had–after collecting $2 million from Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae over five years for “consulting”–ceased his relationship with the mortgage giants in 2005, though Freddie continued paying Davis’ firm $15,000 monthly (think layaway plan) until feds took over the failing lender earlier this month.

“That’s one gnarly old foot,” said forensic podiatrist, Dr. Saul Bunyon, who was called in due to his expertise with feet plus his stellar high school forensics career. “To make matters worse, not only did the candidate shoot himself in it, he stuffed it in his mouth. Repeatedly. Ick.”

With the first of the debates rapidly approaching, Bunyon is working against the clock to have McCain ready. It won’t be easy.

“First, I have to get the foot out of his mouth, which is going to be tough because he’s so used to having it there,” Bunyon told reporters. “Then we have to cut him out of his Huggies. Then we have to treat the foot. Then we have to go to debate practice.”

Rumors initially swirled that Vice President Dick Cheney was considered a “person of interest” by authorities investigating the incident, given the VP’s history of having some beers and shooting people in the face. However, enough people witnessed McCain’s bone-headed blathering–at the same time Republican legislators demonstrated that Cheney is no longer a person of interest even to his own party–that those rumors were shot down quicker than a quail with clipped wings.