KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.

Stories of penis snatching are not unusual in West Africa, where witchcraft and superstition-rife religions still flourish. In recent days, new reports of snatching have flooded radio call-in shows here in Congo’s capital. Callers report (or express fears of) having their penises snatched or shrunken by sorcerers, who then demand money in return for the return of their penises.

“This is especially troubling considering how difficult not having a penis makes masturbation,” said Congo’s Minister of Penile Snatching Prevention, Dikimbe Kibaki. “How is a man without a penis supposed to protect his prostate, rubbing his nipples? I don’t think so…though I will give it a go.”

Of grave concern to many is the health of a detached penis. Without normal blood flow, many wondered how the organs would survive.

“My (penis) has a hard enough time surviving as it is,” said Stanley Livingston, of suburban Kinshasa. “It barely gets enough love when it’s attached to me. Who’s going to take care of it now?”

As Livingston noted, not all concern over snatched penises concerned prostate health.

“Not having a healthy prostate is one thing,” said Linvingston. “Being totally dickless is another thing entirely. I’ll never hear the end of it from my wife.”

Others wondered why sorcerers couldn’t have given them a choice of organs to snatch. Many would have gladly parted with pesky appendix or even prostates.

“Why the hell couldn’t they have snatched my damn prostate?” said Desmond Kano, who suffers from an enlarged prostate. “It’s not like you can miss it. These damn sorcerers got it ass backwards…literally.”