D.I.Y. F.-ing Tedious

by doglord

Researchers studying ultra-hip do-it-yourself (D.I.Y.) culture have confirmed the worst suspicions of many D.I.Y.ers come lately: It’s a royal pain in the ass and the results usually suck.

Studies indicate upwards of 99% of new do-it-yourselfers almost immediately realize they actually prefer having it done for them, typically while receiving oral sex or pedicures.

“D.U.I. is way more fun than D.I.Y.,” Mel Gibson told researchers, for no apparent reason other than he’d been drinking since noon at a Malibu tavern where the researchers went to celebrate their findings.

Gibson wasn’t alone in supplying anecdotes that bolstered those findings.

“I actually prayed I’d spontaneously combust,” admitted blogger thebradmiskell, who was at the bar avoiding work.

“No sooner had I started Dogtown Ink than I felt like my balls were in a particle accelerator and Sadam Hussein was shreiking ‘Canasta’ at me over and over and over…And Sadam Hussein is dead. This has been going on all my life!”

Researchers confirmed thebradmiskell’s story after calling his mother to come pick him up.

“Brad’s been trying to get me to help him with projects since he was a little kid blowing glass and raising black rhinos,” his mother smiled. “I’d tell him I’d been hit by a car or had spinal bifida so I wouldn’t have to help. It did absolutely no good.”

“I remember he came home from school one day after the whole bifida thing and said he’d entered a science fair. I folded myself inside the hide-a-bed when he wasn’t looking. I stayed there for weeks, only coming out at night to relieve myself and snag a TV dinner. It was hard on both of us. But if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t change a thing—except maybe get catheterized. D.I.Y. is a cancer on this Earth.”

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