NEW YORK, NY — The three bears reportedly scared from a New Jersey backyard by a cocker spaniel puppy have come forward with a very different account of events.
“First off, we’re grown men — albeit really hairy gay ones,” said Stan Oso, speaking at a hastily called news conference at Chelsea’s Rawhide bar. “We weren’t scared off by a puppy with a little pink bow in its hair…puh-lease.”
The three lumberjack-looking friends (with benefits) claim it was the puppy’s owner who sent them running.
“She was a total cougar,” said Oso, the grizzliest of the bears. “Plus, she’s my wife: The sh** would really hit the fan if she caught me out in the woods having a royal three-way with a couple burly buddies.”
Oso, who has, up to now, convinced his wife he’s merely lost interest in having sex with her, admitted he was stunned to learn she was a cougar.
“I mean, here I am out in the woods behind my house with a couple of hirsute Log Cabin Republicans — who are simply tricking to get in shape for next week’s convention in Minneapolis — ” Oso said, “And suddenly my wife appears, looking like Kathleen Turner, with the captain of the high school football team in tow in nothing but a jockstrap.”
Oso and his bear friends say it was actually his wife’s grrrring at the young quarterback that set the dog off.
“We’re just harmless hairy gay dudes. We weren’t in that yard to attack anyone but each other.”