happy monkey

Monkey thoughts control robotic arm, throw feces

by doglord

PITTSBURGH, PA — In a major breakthrough, researchers from the University of Pittsburgh have succeeded in allowing monkeys’ brains to control robotic arms, enabling them to throw feces — no hands — at the speed of Roger Clemens fastballs.

“We’ve created nothing short of a sh*t storm!” elated project leader “Curious” George Scaife told reporters, as he wiped monkey crap from his lab coat. “DO NOT go into that lab without a catcher’s mitt.”

In addition to allowing monkeys to hurl poop without so much as lifting a finger, researchers say the breakthrough gives amputee monkey’s the ability to flip the bird just by thinking “f**k you.”

“Monkeys need to throw feces to be happy,” Scaife said. “They’re big jokers. We’re now saying to amputee monkeys ‘Just because you don’t have any arms or legs doesn’t mean you can’t live a happy feces-flinging life. It’s moving, in a word.'”

Naturally, animal testing is only the first step in the researchers’ quest.

“Human brains and monkey brains are very similar,” Scaife explained. “We believe that, in the near future, humans — even those with working appendages who are just too freakin’ lazy to use them — will be able to fling their own excrement just by thinking about it.”

In the end, though, for Scaife, it’s all about the monkeys.

“We’ve just given the expression ‘monkey see, monkey doo’ a whole new meaning.”

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