Penis snatchers threaten prostate health in Congo

KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.

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Researchers prove masturbation reduces risk of cancer…and there is a God after all!

In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God

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Screw ‘em-gate: Hillary’s secret Tourette’s agony exposed!

After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ‘em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.

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ACT OF GOD MISSES THE MARK

SHAMROCK, TX — While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark.

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T-Rex: Tastes like (big damn) chicken

VERNAL, UTAH — Scientists have finally put to rest the age old question: Which came first? And it wasn’t the chicken or the egg. “T-Rex was actually a humongous chicken,” said famed Dinosaurologist Jock Fossil, “Though he still would’ve eaten Colonel Sanders faster than you can say hot wing.”

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Men are from Big Macs, Women are from Celery

Researchers in Britain are reporting today that women who consume mass quantities tend to conceive boys, while those who eat only popcorn produce girls. “You ladies who want boys best like big butts,” said the study’s lead researcher, Neville Pynch. “You want a baby girl, step away from the refrigerator.”

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HOLY TRIFECTA! Whole Holy Trinity in IHOP Breakfast!

VENICE, CA — A Venice man got a wake-up call from Heaven this weekend when not one but all three members of the Holy Trinity appeared in his Lumbjack Special at the Lincoln Boulevard IHOP. “I had just had a night of pretty heavy, well, sinning,” said Lance Francis.

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Dogtown Ink

C’s FOR CYBELE WITH HER GOREY TATTOO

VENICE, CA — A tattoo of two children hitting each other over the head with croquet mallets graces Cybele O’Brien’s left shoulder. It’s an illustration by that master of morbid, Edward Gorey, from his book The Epiplectic Bicycle.

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Surf

SCHOOL OF ROCK’ER

MAR VISTA, CA — After a long and successful career in fashion, Alison Copeland opened Rock’er Board Shop only to learn that the gig, like surfing, came with its share of indignities.

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Dogtown Ink

Amerikan Traditionalist

Kevin Hinton
Occupations: Tattoo Artist & Owner, Old Glory Tattoo, Venice, CA
Preoccupations: American Traditional tattoos and Iron Man triathlons

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