VERNAL, UTAH -- Scientists have finally put to rest the age old question: Which came first? And it wasn't the chicken or the egg. "T-Rex was actually a humongous chicken," said famed Dinosaurologist Jock Fossil, "Though he still would've eaten Colonel Sanders faster than you can say hot wing." DNA analysis has ...

Researchers in Britain are reporting today that women who consume mass quantities tend to conceive boys, while those who eat only popcorn produce girls. "You ladies who want boys best like big butts," said the study's lead researcher, Neville Pynch. "You want a baby girl, step away from the refrigerator." While plenty ...

VENICE, CA -- A Venice man got a wake-up call from Heaven this weekend when not one but all three members of the Holy Trinity appeared in his Lumbjack Special at the Lincoln Boulevard IHOP. "I had just had a night of pretty heavy, well, sinning," said Lance Francis. "Here I ...

In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would -- like Olympic medals won using performance-enhancing drugs -- be thrown out. "All breakthroughs, discoveries ...

VENICE, CA - Turns out theories regarding the reflection in Vice President Cheney's sunglasses that has sent the bloggo-sphere into a tizzy are all wrong: It's not the reflection of a naked woman, it's a nude dude. "After careful analysis, I am absolutely certain that what you're seeing reflected in the ...

VENICE, CA — When is a humiliating nipple-ring-removal-at-airport-security-checkpoint incident actually a good thing? The short answer: Never...or when it doesn't happen to you. The long answer (that appears short): When it inspires us to greatness. That's exactly what it did for South Venice hobbyist and inventor Larry Terry, who turned the plight ...

Experts are expressing amazement that a young great white shark, released in February from the Monterey Aquarium, arrived in Pacific Ocean waters off Baja's Cabo San Lucas in record time (and, coincidentally, just in time for spring break). Others are like, "duh." "Where does any man-eater go this time of year?" said ...

Oops! The Vatican did it again! Days after updating its list of original sins with modern sins like polluting and pushing drugs, the Vatican is back with eight more latter day no-nos. "Now that I think about it," the Pope said, on a conference call with reporters, "There are a few ...

Turns out the next time you go to take a pill with a glass of water you can pretty much skip the pill. Merely drinking the glass of water will likely cure whatever ails you. So a watershed investigation of America's drinking water by the Associated Press reveals. "A vast array of ...

Grocers and hardware retailers nationwide have seen a run on house cleaning products after a report was released early today showing males who perform housework get more sex. "I've never seen so many guys loading up on Swiffers in my life," said Bunny Hoover, Southeast Regional Manager for Piggly Wiggly supermarkets. ...

KINSHASA, CONGO -- A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation's prostate health. Stories of penis snatching are not unusual in West Africa, where witchcraft and superstition-rife religions still flourish. In recent days, new ...

In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God. "Talk about restoring your faith in the Lord," said Larry Terry, former president of Atheists.org, a post from which he retired this morning after news ...

After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton "screw 'em" in reference to working class southerners, she confessed that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette's syndrome, a disorder familiar to many as !#%!-and-grimace syndrome. "Not only was I discriminated against as ...

SHAMROCK, TX -- While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark. "God meant to bring down his wrath on those polygamists and their compound in Eldorado," said the face of Jesus, which appeared to ...

Reports that bill collectors will soon be descending on the Clinton campaign were met today with jubilation by an unlikely lot -- top Clinton campaign staffers. "Bill collectors? Really?" sobbed one senior member of the campaign, tears of joy streaming down her face "What took them so long! For the love ...

A day after six generous organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States. "His kidneys are cool," said noted neurosurgeon, Dr. Larry Terry, of ...

Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party's nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has "no intention whatsoever of quitting the race...ever." "I will be running up-to-and-beyond the convention in August, through the general election in November and, if ...