“God meant to bring down his wrath on those polygamists and their compound in Eldorado,” said the face of Jesus, which appeared to diners at a Texas panhandle eatery on a piece of french toast. “His aim was a little off. Acts of God are not a science…obviously.”

Though no deaths were reported in the region, don’t blame the Big Man.

“This wasn’t just some random ‘act’,” Jesus Christ on french toast continued. “God meant to smote some ass: Besides bringing the smote down on those male Mormons — which sounds like ‘Mammon,’ don’t you think? — he meant to take out some Mexican drug lords down El Paso way. And when I say ‘take out’ I don’t mean treat to watery drinks at some border town donkey show.”

Unfortunately — and as noted by the syrup-drenched visage of the Son of Man — God was off his game.

“If performing acts of God were easy,” said the piece of toast, speaking off the record, “everybody would be doing them. As it stands, God’s still the only one with those chops…though the collateral damage can be hell.”