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After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ‘em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.

Reports that bill collectors will soon be descending on the Clinton campaign were met today with jubilation by an unlikely lot — top Clinton campaign staffers.
“Bill collectors? Really?” sobbed one senior member of the campaign, tears of joy streaming down her face “What took them so long! For the love of God, take him!”
Informed that [...]

Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”
“I will be running up-to-and-beyond the convention in August, through the general election in November and, if necessary, until the Sun consumes [...]

The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete.
“We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”
Leaky was asked what challenges researchers faced.
“There [...]

Hours after press reports of an effort to rename a San Francisco Zoo-adjacent sewage treatment plant for President George W. Bush, a group calling itself Re-Dub-Uranus.org has stolen much of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco’s thunder by announcing its own renaming campaign.
“Re-Dub-Uranus intends to rename Uranus Planet Bush,” said a press representative for [...]

VENICE, CA — When is a humiliating nipple-ring-removal-at-airport-security-checkpoint incident actually a good thing?
The short answer: Never…or when it doesn’t happen to you. The long answer (that appears short): When it inspires us to greatness.
That’s exactly what it did for South Venice hobbyist and inventor Larry Terry, who turned the plight of one mortified female flier [...]

Turns out the gun that discharged “accidentally” in a US Air cockpit recently was no big deal. 
A statement released today by the airliner sought to reassure the public that “…while the gun was not in the pilot’s luggage when it discharged” as had been previously reported, “all the pilot who fired it was doing was [...]

Experts are expressing amazement that a young great white shark, released in February from the Monterey Aquarium, arrived in Pacific Ocean waters off Baja’s Cabo San Lucas in record time (and, coincidentally, just in time for spring break).
Others are like, “duh.”
“Where does any man-eater go this time of year?” said Ellen Barkin, as she careened [...]

Soccer games have become an increasing distraction for brawling soccer fans, according to the World Soccer Fan Brawling Association (WSFBA).
The latest incident came over the weekend in Bogata, Columbia, when authorities forcibly halted a grandstand set-to, between Team America de Cali’s “Red Baron” fan club and Deportivo de Cali fans, in order to complete, of [...]

“Hey, Sweet Cakes, what you wearin’?”These are the words I hear, spoken in a familiar voice —Arkansas twang, erudite — when I answer my phone one recent late, late night.”Disgraced former president Bill Clinton?” I rasp, sounding, I realize too late, like CNN’s Candy Crawley, or possibly Monica Lewinsky.”I love it when you growl at [...]