KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.
Penis snatchers threaten prostate health in Congo on 1724 2008
Screw ‘em-gate: Hillary’s secret Tourette’s agony exposed! on 1617 2008
After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ‘em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.
Breakthroughs by Scientists On Brain-Boost Drugs Nullified on 1615 2008
In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”
ACT OF GOD MISSES THE MARK on 1615 2008
SHAMROCK, TX — While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark.
Naked Woman in Cheney’s Glasses Actually Naked Man on 1511 2008
VENICE, CA - Turns out theories regarding the reflection in Vice President Cheney’s sunglasses that has sent the bloggo-sphere into a tizzy are all wrong: It’s not the reflection of a naked woman, it’s a nude dude.
“After careful analysis, I am absolutely certain that what you’re seeing reflected in the VP’s sunglasses is beefcakes,” said [...]
After 6-Way Kidney Transplant, Docs Seek “One Measly Brain” For President Bush on 1510 2008
A day after six generous organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.
“His kidneys are cool,” said noted neurosurgeon, Dr. Larry Terry, of Venice Home-Schooled Surgical Guild. “But [...]
Clinton to Continue Campaign After Convention, Election, Immolation of Earth by Sun on 157 2008
Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”
“I will be running up-to-and-beyond the convention in August, through the general election in November and, if necessary, until the Sun consumes [...]
Water Guzzling Benefits Debunked, Beer Guzzling Research Ongoing on 144 2008
The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete.
“We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”
Leaky was asked what challenges researchers faced.
“There [...]
ReDubUranus Organization Upstages Efforts to Rename SF Sewage Plant After Prez on 142 2008
Hours after press reports of an effort to rename a San Francisco Zoo-adjacent sewage treatment plant for President George W. Bush, a group calling itself Re-Dub-Uranus.org has stolen much of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco’s thunder by announcing its own renaming campaign.
“Re-Dub-Uranus intends to rename Uranus Planet Bush,” said a press representative for [...]
Airport Nipple Ring Incident Inspires Area Man on 141 2008
VENICE, CA — When is a humiliating nipple-ring-removal-at-airport-security-checkpoint incident actually a good thing?
The short answer: Never…or when it doesn’t happen to you. The long answer (that appears short): When it inspires us to greatness.
That’s exactly what it did for South Venice hobbyist and inventor Larry Terry, who turned the plight of one mortified female flier [...]