VERNAL, UTAH — Scientists have finally put to rest the age old question: Which came first? And it wasn’t the chicken or the egg. “T-Rex was actually a humongous chicken,” said famed Dinosaurologist Jock Fossil, “Though he still would’ve eaten Colonel Sanders faster than you can say hot wing.”
T-Rex: Tastes like (big damn) chicken on 1828 2008
Screw ‘em-gate: Hillary’s secret Tourette’s agony exposed! on 1617 2008
After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ‘em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.
Breakthroughs by Scientists On Brain-Boost Drugs Nullified on 1615 2008
In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”
After 6-Way Kidney Transplant, Docs Seek “One Measly Brain” For President Bush on 1510 2008
A day after six generous organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.
“His kidneys are cool,” said noted neurosurgeon, Dr. Larry Terry, of Venice Home-Schooled Surgical Guild. “But [...]
C’s FOR CYBELE WITH HER GOREY TATTOO on 159 2008
VENICE, CA — A tattoo of two children hitting each other over the head with croquet mallets graces Cybele O’Brien’s left shoulder. It’s an illustration by that master of morbid, Edward Gorey, from his book The Epiplectic Bicycle.
Clinton to Continue Campaign After Convention, Election, Immolation of Earth by Sun on 157 2008
Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”
“I will be running up-to-and-beyond the convention in August, through the general election in November and, if necessary, until the Sun consumes [...]
Water Guzzling Benefits Debunked, Beer Guzzling Research Ongoing on 144 2008
The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete.
“We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”
Leaky was asked what challenges researchers faced.
“There [...]
ReDubUranus Organization Upstages Efforts to Rename SF Sewage Plant After Prez on 142 2008
Hours after press reports of an effort to rename a San Francisco Zoo-adjacent sewage treatment plant for President George W. Bush, a group calling itself Re-Dub-Uranus.org has stolen much of the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco’s thunder by announcing its own renaming campaign.
“Re-Dub-Uranus intends to rename Uranus Planet Bush,” said a press representative for [...]
Airport Nipple Ring Incident Inspires Area Man on 141 2008
VENICE, CA — When is a humiliating nipple-ring-removal-at-airport-security-checkpoint incident actually a good thing?
The short answer: Never…or when it doesn’t happen to you. The long answer (that appears short): When it inspires us to greatness.
That’s exactly what it did for South Venice hobbyist and inventor Larry Terry, who turned the plight of one mortified female flier [...]
Airline: Gun fired on plane “accidental,” pilot “merely brandishing to impress for sex” on 1326 2008
Turns out the gun that discharged “accidentally” in a US Air cockpit recently was no big deal.
A statement released today by the airliner sought to reassure the public that “…while the gun was not in the pilot’s luggage when it discharged” as had been previously reported, “all the pilot who fired it was doing was [...]