The first of the following questions came from a real person. The second one is a trick test question I — posing as an unreal person — posed to her. Needless to say, Mia passed with flying colors.

If you have a question for Mia, please submit in the form of a comment (below) until we get her email deal sorted out. – Doglord

Dear Mia:

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me via text message:  “u r gr8 i cnt c u n e more”. Is this ok? I’m mean I met his mom and sister for lunch, TWICE!

Dear u:

Assuming u are not 14 and u 2 did not meet at Band Camp, and if in fact you have been in a six-month adult relationship with a man you did not meet while doing body shots during Girl’s Night Out, then no, being broken up with via text message is not, as you say, “ok.”

First, to the gentleman poet: Do you have the interpersonal skills of a band dork? Really. Six months warrants an in-person talk. If you feel you might absolutely die if girl-tears touch your skin, then be only kind of a dick and call her so she can hear your voice. That said, the average cell phone has the capacity to send a 160 character message in which complete words, if not sentences, are at your disposal…pussy.

Second, to u: Why r u upset about the pussy leaving u? Come ON. The signs were there. U should have broken up with him. Dust off ur self-esteem and move on. No one wants to date someone they can break up with via text!

Dear Mia,

My boyfriend is a life-long vegetarian and has some religious taboos surrounding bacon, but I know he’d love it if he tried it. Should I fool him into eating some?

Dear Hickory Smoked Girlfriend-

Bacon is a healthy part of any mature relationship, and I would caution you to slow down and take stock of whether you and your beloved actually share the important values that contribute to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. I suggest honey cured bacon, as it is delicious. If he resists, or balks at your attempts, remind yourself that you chose a man who was fooled into believing pork stands between himself and his god.

Dear Mia-

When my boyfriend and I make love, I like to listen to Seal.  His music makes me feel like the moment is just for us.  But, my boyfriend always changes the music to Billy Squire.  What’s going on?

Dear Kiss From a Rose-

I’m sure you are a pretty petal, but something tells me you and Mr. Cock Rock are on different pages.  If he were on your page, even in your chapter, you’d at least be hearing Nelson in your shared moment.  Sorry, Flower, but I’m willing to bet that in Mr. Stroke Me’s version of the story you are girl-fun and not girlfriend.

Dear Mia-

My fiance and I talk about starting a family after we are married, but we can’t agree on baby names.  I hate his choices.  It is so frustrating!  What should we do?

Dear Frustrated Baby Branders:

I suggest following the common rule that a baby should be named after the car in which it was conceived.  As for the middle name, a favored liqueur adds a note of distinction and class.

Try these for a girl: Toyota Campari, Lexus Absinth, Kia Midori
For a boy: Pacer Pernod, Skylark Sambuca, Chevy Goldschlager-Schlitz

Hyphens are, of course, appropriate when incorporating a beer-back.

Dear Mia-

My friend is concerned that I drink alone.  The thing is, I don’t drink alone, my higher power is always present where ever I am.  Am I doing something wrong?

Dear Highball in Heaven-

No, you are not doing anything wrong, unless, of course, you are drinking blended frozen drinks or white zin.  You see, God took great care and effort to create us in His image, and I am certain that He would find such open displays of bad taste and lack of class sinful indeed.  When I picture God, high in Heaven with His flowing white beard and billowing blue robes, he is always sipping gin, up, with extra olives.  Unless it is before noon on a Sunday, when a Mimosa is the more prudent choice.