SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA -- President Bush's stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating according to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company). Since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, porn websites have been reporting membership increases, some up to 30 percent. "Those numbers are rock hard," said Bush ...

LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria's Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company's thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, ...

CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy. "We've been doing it in confessionals since we were kids," said the young couple in a ...

Revelations that famously cocky Roger Clemens -- as well as hordes of other professional athletes -- regularly used Viagra to enhance onfield performance are roiling the sports world today. And you thought it couldn't get any harder for the All-Star pitcher. "That's hard on baseball," said baseball fan Dick Hardy, referring ...

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John "That Weird Smile" McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he's created by marketing ...

Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan "A leader we can believe in" from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: "I'm the white guy." "We just think it's more on-message," said campaign manager Charlie Black, who admitted to some hand-wringing before making the ...

LATEST UPDATE: Those mendacious little alien vid pranksters! I never! Turns out the video below, while convincing me utterly of the existence of extraterrestrials outside my bedroom window, is a cruel hoax! Or at least, that's what commenter #2 claims. It seems the windows are different than the windows in ...

WASHINGTON DC -- In a stunning coincidence, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan not only jumped to the top of Amazon's best seller list today, but to the number one position on the FBI's Most Wanted list. "Wanted, dead or alive," said current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, echoing ...

VENICE, FL — Sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for scamming scores of seniors out of their life savings, Lou Pearlman, the chubby/creepy/purvy dude responsible for the boy band plague was positively upbeat. "Talk about 'Don't throw me in the briar patch,'" said Pearlman. "I feel like I just ...

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican said yesterday that it's okay for the faithful to believe in space aliens — paving the way for a rumored merger with the Church of Scientology. Officials from that star-studded, sci-fi-based religion couldn't be reached for comment as they were attempting to reassure the public ...

VENICE, CA -- Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it's illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. "When I heard the news, I thought: 'Gas is expensive, Bluetooth is expensive, lots of folks have to do business ...

ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America's sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it's the country's military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by ...

NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama's celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party's nomination for president, was, in fact a "terrorist fist jab," Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the ...

WASH. D.C. — Puzzling many, illustrious conservative congressman Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) managed to poo-poo panty hat torture eight times Wednesday during House Foreign Affairs Committee hearings on harsh interrogation tactics. "That dude was on message!" said avid CSPAN-viewer Jerry Gary, of Venice, CA. "That was a tour de force!" Rohrbacher's paroxism of ...

VENICE. CA — A man considered "a person of interest" by Denver-area authorities investigating the armed robbery of an area convenience store by men wearing thongs as masks says he's innocent and decries the persecution of people who wear thong masks. A Dogtown Ink exclusive video. ...

DOGTOWN INK EXCLUSIVE — Dogtown Ink has acquired this exclusive frame grab from astonishing video footage shot by a Denver area man of a live space alien peeking in a window. Unlike previous grainy images of purported extraterrestrials, the video still clearly shows a very buff, completely alien life form ...

PITTSBURGH, PA — In a major breakthrough, researchers from the University of Pittsburgh have succeeded in allowing monkeys' brains to control robotic arms, enabling them to throw feces — no hands — at the speed of Roger Clemens fastballs. "We've created nothing short of a sh*t storm!" elated project leader "Curious" ...