Wal-Mart to Employees: Vote Stupid!

by doglord

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Wal-Mart kicked off its new, employee "Vote Stupid" campaign recently by calling managers to mandatory meetings where they were encouraged to be, well, stupider. "You're already a little daft to be working for an evil empire like ours," Wal-Mart officials reportedly told managers in such meetings. "But ...

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Auto industry’s surprise job boom: gas syphoning, catalytic converter boosting top list

by doglord

VENICE, CA — Despite plummeting sales, plant closings and massive lay-offs, analysts say the automotive industry is actually experiencing strong job growth, fueled by a thriving smash-and-grab sector and industrious gas re-salers. "Why pay the terrorists $150-a-barrel when we've got major untapped gas reserves right here at home," said self-described wildcatter ...

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Money shot in the arm: stimulus checks used for porn

by doglord

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA -- President Bush's stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating according to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company). Since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, porn websites have been reporting membership increases, some up to 30 percent. "Those numbers are rock hard," said Bush ...

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Man joins Victoria’s Secret thong injury lawsuit, claims thong “hurt my balls”

by doglord

LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria's Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company's thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, ...

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Couple caught doing it in confessional told that’s only for priests

by doglord

CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy. "We've been doing it in confessionals since we were kids," said the young couple in a ...

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The Cocky Grow Cockier: Athletes Abuse Viagra

by doglord

Revelations that famously cocky Roger Clemens -- as well as hordes of other professional athletes -- regularly used Viagra to enhance onfield performance are roiling the sports world today. And you thought it couldn't get any harder for the All-Star pitcher. "That's hard on baseball," said baseball fan Dick Hardy, referring ...

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Obama THAT ONE posters free for the taking!

by doglord

McCain-inspired Obama THAT ONE posters hit the Internet shortly after the debate. Just click on the poster image, then drag and drop it onto your desktop for a 648x1006 pixel poster. (McCain MY FRIENDS posters featuring Bush, Cheney, Ann Coulter, Dracula and others coming soon.)

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McCain to hawk speechmaking DVD

by doglord

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John "That Weird Smile" McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he's created by marketing ...

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McCain adopts newer slogan: “I’m the white guy”

by doglord

Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan "A leader we can believe in" from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: "I'm the white guy." "We just think it's more on-message," said campaign manager Charlie Black, who admitted to some hand-wringing before making the ...

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Exclusiver! Actual Video Clip of Alien at Window! No Sh**!

by doglord

LATEST UPDATE: Those mendacious little alien vid pranksters! I never! Turns out the video below, while convincing me utterly of the existence of extraterrestrials outside my bedroom window, is a cruel hoax! Or at least, that's what commenter #2 claims. It seems the windows are different than the windows in ...

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McCain and Paris Hilton caught together in video

by doglord

VENICE, CA -- On the same day presidential hopeful John McCain likened his opponent Barak Obama to celebutant Paris Hilton, Dogtownink.com received this video (WATCH BELOW) of John McCain and Paris Hilton cavorting together, enjoying the benefits of the same Bush tax cuts for the wealthy that McCain has vowed ...

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“Nature’s Viagra” watermelon placed on endangered list after Marina Del Rey riots

by doglord

MARINA DEL REY, CA — The Environmental Protection Agency today placed watermelon on the endangered species list after reports that the fleshy fruit is nature’s Viagra sparked hoarding and riots in Marina Del Rey, Calif, home to the world’s largest concentration of aging horn dogs. “Watermelon has not previously been cultivated ...

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Bigfoot false alarm: hairy creature in freezer actually porn star Ron Jeremy

by doglord

PALO ALTO, CA -- The hairy beast two men recently dragged from the Georgia woods believing it to be a mythical Bigfoot monster turns out instead to be legendary porn actor Ron Jeremy. "We thought we'd found the missing link," hunter Rick Dyer told reporters. "That's one deep-ply backside. What ...

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Reward offered for Obama’s stolen ‘fro

by doglord

VENICE, CA -- Candidate Barak Obama's afro was stolen here today in a sign that the 2008 presidential campaign has grown increasingly hairy--after its recent lipsticky phase. "You may boost a brother's do-rag," said Obama supporter, 50 Cent. "You do not steal his 'fro." The stolen 'fro in question belonged to ...

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Duct-tape hands-free headset spells relief for Calif. drivers

by doglord

VENICE, CA -- Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it's illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. "When I heard the news, I thought: 'Gas is expensive, Bluetooth is expensive, lots of folks have to do business ...

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3 New Jersey bears scared off by puppy “just harmless hairy gay dudes”

by doglord

NEW YORK, NY -- The three bears reportedly scared from a New Jersey backyard by a cocker spaniel puppy have come forward with a very different account of events. "First off, we're grown men -- albeit really hairy gay ones," said Stan Oso, speaking at a hastily called news conference at ...

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Pentagon Gets Corporate Sponsors, New Name: KBR-Halliburton-Blackwater Center

by doglord

ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America's sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it's the country's military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by ...

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