“You’re already a little daft to be working for an evil empire like ours,” Wal-Mart officials reportedly told managers in such meetings. “But there are ways you can be much, much thicker. That’s what the Vote Stupid campaign is all about. This is your time. Vote against your best interests. Vote Stupid.”

Wal-Mart informed employees that by voting against their own best interests — by voting against Democrats promoting legislation to make union organizing easier inside union-busting companies like Wal-Mart — they’d be selflessly voting in the best interests of others, namely Wal-Mart’s.

The company says its multi-million dollar, Vote Stupid outreach program is just another one of the ways Wal-Mart shows its employee “family” it cares.

“We treat all our employees like family,” said Wal-Mart officials. “Being an Arkansas company, that has sometimes been a problem. But not as much as it used to be. These days, it’s mostly just chaining doors shut to keep cleaning crews inside, that kind of stuff.”

Wal-Mart considers their Vote Stupid campaign not only pro-family, but pro-American.

“Bottom line, this country just does better when our employees don’t.”

“Why pay the terrorists $150-a-barrel when we’ve got major untapped gas reserves right here at home,” said self-described wildcatter John Doe (not his real name), as he spit out a mouthful of gas he’d tapped from what he called a “mobile reservoir” located, in of all places, an SUV parked in a Lincoln Boulevard Motel 6 parking lot.

“I sell high-octane for half what they do at the pump,” Doe said. “I consider myself a patriot.”

With the price of metals going through the roof, job-seekers willing to go that extra mile and commit felony theft of catalytic converters are finding all the work they can handle beneath neighbor’s light trucks and SUV’s. Perhaps more importantly, they’re finding themselves wanted, something many never experienced in prior careers.

“Those Armenian dudes at the demo yards out in Sun Valley love me,” said Doe. “Even the local police want me, though I never see them since I work the 3am to 5am ‘donut shift.’”

“Those numbers are rock hard,” said Bush economic advisor, Ron Jeremy. “Just like me on Cialis — I love bush! His stimulus package is a master stroke!”

Asked why the economy as a whole has shown no signs of improvement as a result of the checks, Jeremy had this to say:

“First, the economy is not a hole — or not like any hole I’m familiar with. And I’m familiar with a lot of holes.”

“Secondly, it is stimulating — maybe not the American economy, since we in the porn industry generally pour windfall profits into the cocaine economy. But that’s a lot of damn porno people are blowing those checks on, someone besides me is getting stimulated.”

Nevertheless, new polls show Bush’s popularity to be at its lowest level ever.

“He needs to stop capitalizing the ‘b’ in ‘Bush’,” said Jeremy. “bush is always popular!”

“I, too, cried out in pain,” said Larry Terry, of his experience with the offending butt floss. “The only difference between Macrida’s injury and my own is that, in my case, it was my jewels that did the hurting, not Victoria’s Secret’s. Plus I didn’t shoot myself in the eye–I haven’t done that since I was nineteen.”

Terry, who wore a kilt under which he claimed was a large bag of Igloo brand ice cradling his own, insisted he’s been forced to go “commando” since his own thong incident.

“The really scary thing is, I’ve been known to wear thongs on my head,” Terry told reporters. “Imagine if I’d used that thong as a panty hat…I might not be here today to speak to you. I might have been turned into a retard.”

Terry has reportedly retained celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to represent him.

“If there’s gonna be anymore ball-busting going on, it’s going to be done by Gloria,” Terry said. “And she’s agreed to stand off where I can see her at all times.”

In the end, for Terry, it’s all about support, something he insists the Victoria’s Secret thong provided him precious little of.

“I just didn’t feel right letting Macrida go it alone trying to stop their jewels from shooting someone else in the eye,” Terry said. “Alternately, I didn’t want to see anyone else get their balls hurt–those panties really hurt my balls.”

“We’ve been doing it in confessionals since we were kids,” said the young couple in a joint statement. “But only with priests, come to think of it.”

A “Mass of reparation” was performed in the cathedral where the couple crashed the offending custard truck. Vatican officials were asked whether similar Masses would be performed in other cathedrals where confessionals were used for sex.

“Please, all we’d be doing is Masses of reparation,” said a Vatican spokesperson. “Pretty much every Catholic Church in the world has confessionals, which, if you think about it, aren’t all that different than those private booths in Times Square porn shops…I’m told.”

“What do you think guys who never, ever get laid think about when they’re alone in the dark in private booths with parishioners, seeing God?”

“That’s hard on baseball,” said baseball fan Dick Hardy, referring to today’s report in the NY Daily News, not the type of game being played. “Still, MLB has been looking for ways to bring excitement back to the game, and if my wife’s any indication, Viagra oughta do it. I can’t keep the little minx off me.”

According to today’s report in the NY Daily News, Viagra — or Vitamin V — is “BIGGER than creatine, (emphasis added), it’s the BIGGEST product in nutritional supplements.” That’s a whole lot of BIGGER, something Clemens may have needed after all those years of doing steroids, which are widely known for making men smaller. Much smaller.

“Athletes like Clemens are under enormous pressure to perform.” Hardy admits. “Particularly when they’re traveling with 15-year-old country singers.”

Investigations are underway to determine if Viagra can be used to cheat in sports competitions. It’s already widely used for cheating off the field, as Clemens’ traveling with 15-year-old country singers while married demonstrates.

“Yes, it’s for cheaters,” Hardy admits. “I cheat on my wife all the time. I don’t mean to, but that Viagra just gets impotent dudes like me and Clemens feeling cocky as John Holmes.”

In related news, jock strap companies are thriving, as Viagra-suffused athletes double and triple up with athletic supporters to mask the effects of the drug.

“We’re making a straight-talk kinda DVD,” the candidate told fawning reporters today. “We’re thinking of calling it ‘Blowing an Election in One Freakish Speech’ but we want people to fax us in suggestions using our Internet site.”

A Bonus Disk entitled ‘Don’t Ever Make That Smile Again’ is said to be in the works as well. John Madden is rumored to be in talks to tele-strate the replays.

“The only problem we’re having with that disk is choosing which among the countless, painfully ingenuous and downright oddly-timed smiles the Senator cracked the other night to use,” said infomercial guru, Lester Ronco.

The feisty candidate hopes to raise cash for his flagging campaign fundraising efforts.

“Why, since my speech opposite Senator Obama’s, the bottom has dropped out on our fundraising efforts, I have no clue. though I am, like, a thousand years old,” McCain was overheard saying, during a recent awkward embrace of President Bush, whom he’s seeking to distance himself from. “That’s not change you can believe in…heh-heh.”

“We just think it’s more on-message,” said campaign manager Charlie Black, who admitted to some hand-wringing before making the switch. “After stealing that last slogan from Obama, we were a little worried about stealing one from Clinton.”

Nonetheless, Clinton’s success in Appalachia following her contention that some whites are racist pigs, struck a chord with the Republican’s campaign.

“We think racism works just as well, if not better, for us,” said Black, whom, reports have considering a name change to White. “Since we’ve got about as many black Republicans as gay ones, we figured, what the f**k?”

Black delivered his remarks with the same wooden, stick-up-his-ass white guy elan he employed to such great affect in announcing the McCain campaign’s nifty YouTube contest (you gotta see it to believe it).

“It’s not like we haven’t tried to do the whole rainbow deal,” Black admitted. “But after his speech — if you can call it that — in front of that disastrous green backdrop the other night we decided it was time to get back to basic black and white. And it’s hard to get much whiter than John McCain. The guy’s got absolutely zero funk.”

VENICE, CA — Dogtown Ink has just received this link to the ACTUAL VIDEO CLIP of the live space alien at the window from a commenter on DOGTOWN INK who goes by the name of WATCHER.

IT’S THE REAL VIDEO REPORTED ON IN THE PRESS YESTERDAY.

And the way I know it’s real is that the alien in the clip, too, looks a whole lot like Carrot Top.

“Wanted, dead or alive,” said current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, echoing the President’s declaration regarding another pain in the White House’s ass.

“Though Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and Vice President Cheney have yet to concoct ways to screw Scott McClellan for criticizing them — beyond getting him on this list, of course — they will. Just ask Valerie Plame.”

Washington insiders are speculating that McClellan could be shot in the face as early as today, contingent on the Vice President’s schedule.

“False pretenses?” an incredulous Perino asked the White House press pool, referring to McClellan’s characterization of Bush’s justifications for going to war with Iraq.

“We’ll show that little shlub false pretenses,” Perino continued. “I speak for Karl Rove when I say I’ve got two words for Scotty regarding false pretenses: Don Siegelman. See if false pretenses kept him out of jail.”

In related news, Osama bin Laden is said to be penning his own tell-all book about the Bush family’s ties to the bin Ladens, in hopes of regaining his number one position atop the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

“I deserve to #1 American mostly wanted,” said bin Laden, via a pet parrot that also told a Japanese veterinarian the GPS coordinates to the jihadi’s Waziristan hideout.

White House allies were quick to dismiss the parrot’s information regarding bin Laden’s whereabouts.

“Osama who?” said Ari Fleisher, the White House Press Secretary prior to McClellan. “If I know the Bush White House — and I do know the Bush White House — they’re focused on what they should be for the good of the American people: trashing that chubby little prick of a lying spokesperson replacement for this chubby little prick of a lying spokesperson.”