LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Wal-Mart kicked off its new, employee "Vote Stupid" campaign recently by calling managers to mandatory meetings where they were encouraged to be, well, stupider. "You're already a little daft to be working for an evil empire like ours," Wal-Mart officials reportedly told managers in such meetings. "But ...

VENICE, CA — Despite plummeting sales, plant closings and massive lay-offs, analysts say the automotive industry is actually experiencing strong job growth, fueled by a thriving smash-and-grab sector and industrious gas re-salers. "Why pay the terrorists $150-a-barrel when we've got major untapped gas reserves right here at home," said self-described wildcatter ...

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA -- President Bush's stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating according to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company). Since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, porn websites have been reporting membership increases, some up to 30 percent. "Those numbers are rock hard," said Bush ...

LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria's Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company's thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, ...

CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy. "We've been doing it in confessionals since we were kids," said the young couple in a ...

Revelations that famously cocky Roger Clemens -- as well as hordes of other professional athletes -- regularly used Viagra to enhance onfield performance are roiling the sports world today. And you thought it couldn't get any harder for the All-Star pitcher. "That's hard on baseball," said baseball fan Dick Hardy, referring ...

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John "That Weird Smile" McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he's created by marketing ...

Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan "A leader we can believe in" from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: "I'm the white guy." "We just think it's more on-message," said campaign manager Charlie Black, who admitted to some hand-wringing before making the ...

LATEST UPDATE: Those mendacious little alien vid pranksters! I never! Turns out the video below, while convincing me utterly of the existence of extraterrestrials outside my bedroom window, is a cruel hoax! Or at least, that's what commenter #2 claims. It seems the windows are different than the windows in ...

WASHINGTON DC -- In a stunning coincidence, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan not only jumped to the top of Amazon's best seller list today, but to the number one position on the FBI's Most Wanted list. "Wanted, dead or alive," said current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, echoing ...

NEW YORK, NY -- The three bears reportedly scared from a New Jersey backyard by a cocker spaniel puppy have come forward with a very different account of events. "First off, we're grown men -- albeit really hairy gay ones," said Stan Oso, speaking at a hastily called news conference at ...

PALO ALTO, CA -- The hairy beast two men recently dragged from the Georgia woods believing it to be a mythical Bigfoot monster turns out instead to be legendary porn actor Ron Jeremy. "We thought we'd found the missing link," hunter Rick Dyer told reporters. "That's one deep-ply backside. What ...

VENICE, CA -- On the same day presidential hopeful John McCain likened his opponent Barak Obama to celebutant Paris Hilton, Dogtownink.com received this video (WATCH BELOW) of John McCain and Paris Hilton cavorting together, enjoying the benefits of the same Bush tax cuts for the wealthy that McCain has vowed ...

VENICE, CA -- David, the subject of Michelangelo's world-renowned sculpture, may have slain Goliath back in the BC, but after a few short months on a whirlwind American art tour, he's succumbed to a more powerful foe: double-meat double-cheese with curly fries. The tour was canceled today after morbid weight ...

MARINA DEL REY, CA — The Environmental Protection Agency today placed watermelon on the endangered species list after reports that the fleshy fruit is nature’s Viagra sparked hoarding and riots in Marina Del Rey, Calif, home to the world’s largest concentration of aging horn dogs. “Watermelon has not previously been cultivated ...

VENICE, CA -- Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it's illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. "When I heard the news, I thought: 'Gas is expensive, Bluetooth is expensive, lots of folks have to do business ...

ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America's sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it's the country's military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by ...