“First off, we’re grown men — albeit really hairy gay ones,” said Stan Oso, speaking at a hastily called news conference at Chelsea’s Rawhide bar. “We weren’t scared off by a puppy with a little pink bow in its hair…puh-lease.”

The three lumberjack-looking friends (with benefits) claim it was the puppy’s owner who sent them running.

“She was a total cougar,” said Oso, the grizzliest of the bears. “Plus, she’s my wife: The sh** would really hit the fan if she caught me out in the woods having a royal three-way with a couple burly buddies.”

Oso, who has, up to now, convinced his wife he’s merely lost interest in having sex with her, admitted he was stunned to learn she was a cougar.

“I mean, here I am out in the woods behind my house with a couple of hirsute Log Cabin Republicans — who are simply tricking to get in shape for next week’s convention in Minneapolis — ” Oso said, “And suddenly my wife appears, looking like Kathleen Turner, with the captain of the high school football team in tow in nothing but a jockstrap.”

Oso and his bear friends say it was actually his wife’s grrrring at the young quarterback that set the dog off.

“We’re just harmless hairy gay dudes. We weren’t in that yard to attack anyone but each other.”

“We thought we’d found the missing link,” hunter Rick Dyer told reporters. “That’s one deep-ply backside. What is the dude, Greek?”

In yet another embarrassing setback for the Sasquatch cause, the two hunters mistook the hirsute adult film star for bigfoot when they came across him in the woods enjoying a deep, post-coital nap.

Turns out Jeremy had just finished shooting a draining location sequence for his upcoming XXX DVD, Goin’ South With My Mouth. Police reports confirm he’s been missing ever since.

“It was an understandable mistake,” a red-faced Matthew Whitton, Dyer’s co-hunter, told reporters. “You know how they say big feet, big…? Huge.”

The bigfoot hunters insisted right up until they unlocked and opened their meat locker at today’s press conference that it contained a sasquatch monster. Instead they found one very cold and PO’d porn star.

“Now that I think about it,” Whitton says, “There was something really familiar about its mustache.”

Tax cuts aren’t the only thing that’s extended in this tell-all music video sent to us by an anonymous source. (We note that the singer sounds suspiciously like the Man in the Thong Mask from a video diatribe Dogtown Ink reported on some weeks back.)

The tour was canceled today after morbid weight gain by the formerly lithesome sculpture caused a hefty drop in museum attendance.

“They say it’s my weight, but I already weighed, like, two tons — what’s a couple hundred extra pounds?” said the marble statue, through the Travelocity lawn dwarf, who has become his constant travel companion here in America.

“I’m still tiny compared to most of the fat-asses who shuffle past me ogling my junk. And they do ogle my junk — whether or not I can.”

Unfortunately for the former masterpiece, he can’t.

“Let’s face it, Dave’s more or less a microphallus. It was the hard body people came to see and now…” said Terry Biggs, a morbidly obese, former fan of Michelangelo’s hot young dude sculpture. Biggs shook his head sadly.

“It’s not like I can’t sympathize: I haven’t seen my own groin without a mirror in years. But I expect a museum quality piece such as Dave to at least be able to see his own groin without a mirror.”

The sculpture’s unbridled consumption has left his handlers with their hands full: They had to upsize his shipping crate three or four times. Then there were the charges for additional baggage, something David’s travel companion says he knows a little something about.

“It’s stark size-ism, that’s all it is,” said the Travelocity dwarf. “We told them we’d do a juice cleanse.”

I did not create this awesome image, it was sent to me by a friend who believes her friend created it. I will gratefully give credit where credit is due. — doglord

“Watermelon has not previously been cultivated for wood,” said EPA spokesman Kent Gethardt, after visiting an area Ralph’s Market, site of some of the fiercest fighting over what many are now calling nature’s true passion fruit.

“These poor old spunkers looking to save money on their Viagra bills, they never had a chance. It was inevitable the world watermelon population would be ravaged…along with a lot of eHarmony dates and anyone coming between a 70-year-old and a melon.”

Gethardt noted that enough dysfunctional dudes had died fighting over watermelon in this E.D. mecca of late that the fruit might still recover — assuming the Chinese stick to black rhino horn and bear liver for their manhoodly needs.

“It’s hard to blame dirty old men for putting such pressure on the world watermelon population: I, myself, am putting tremendous pressure on the fruit — and my zipper — as we speak. This watermelon is hard to beat, but me? Like butter. Stick butter.”

“When I heard the news, I thought: ‘Gas is expensive, Bluetooth is expensive, lots of folks have to do business on the phone while they’re sitting in traffic — what would I do if I had a job?’” Sperry told reporters, who gathered outside the storage space currently serving as home to his unnamed start-up company, as well as him and his seventeen cats.

Sperry’s patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.

“I created this not so much to help my fellow man as to hopefully make a shitload of money for me,” Sperry told reporters.

While the headset he’s calling the Call Jockey (”Because it’s shaped like one!”) is only in its prototype phase, Sperry insists he’s ready to ramp up production.

“I got a pallet of duct tape, ten cases of PBR and a cellphone taped to my head just waiting to take your call and create your custom headset on the spot,” said Sperry. “You can either come by for a fitting or I’ll mail it to you with directions on how to size it, which is one of my trade secrets.”

While Sperry insists that what he calls “tongue texting” is a breeze with his headset, his response to this reporter’s request for a sample was cryptic: “Oy4kf##hal;dioubncm.x.s/.d.%,” read his return text.

“It helps if you play harmonica,” said Sperry, as he continued stabbing at the phone with his tongue.

“That piece of skin underneath my tongue attaches all the way to the tip, so I don’t get a lot of reach…plus I don’t remember where the letters are. Otherwise tongue texting is a breeze…though I’m gonna have to rig a mirror up to read your response…I’ll text myself a note about that.”

“.s/.d.4ijo8h$$$$$..dfo”

“We could afford primo real estate when we were charging $5000-a-crack for toilet seats–no pun intended,” Army Brigadier General Bud Catheter said today. “Now that we’re outsourcing, it’s companies like KBR and Halliburton who are doing a big chunk of the graft, fraud and corruption biz we once did. They’re the big players now and they deserve the big venues.”

Blackwater’s CEO, evangelical, anti-gay, anti-environment trust funder, Erik Prince, is a big believer in the corporatization of the nation’s military installations. The KBR-Halliburton-Blackwater Center will reportedly contain luxury cubicles and mini-bar-equipped war rooms.

“It just makes sense that we’re tasked with upgrading the Pentagon for a new generation of war profiteering,” said Prince. “The private sector has proven much better at not getting the job done than government bureaucrats ever could.”

Asked how his company and Dick Cheney shell companies Halliburton and KBR could afford the planned lavish upgrade, Prince assured reporters that, in addition to the approximately $10 billion in Iraq war funding that’s already unaccounted for, Blackwater and the Cheney firms were racking up spoils of war.

When pressed if such “spoils” hadn’t historically gone to the victor, Prince pointed to Bush’s “mission accomplished” declaration as evidence corporations like his had won the war in Iraq.

“That, and the fact there’s still $10 billion unaccounted for,” Prince said.

“Anyone who knows anything about terrorism knows we need to lock up all these terrorist fist jabbers, pronto,” said Roger Ailes, who, as president of Fox News Channel, knows as much about terrorizing the U.S. citizenry as anyone outside the Bush administration, save Laura Ingraham and Carrot Top.

“Thank god and country that E.D. Hill is a pandering sleaze bag of a ‘journalist’ like everyone else at Fox News. Otherwise, we might have wound up with a terrorist for president…other than George W, that is.”

How “terrorist fist jabs” have gone unnoticed by Americans until Fox News outed the Obamas may have something to do with Fox’s keen eye for trends, a trait they share with they’re aging viewers.

“It turns out virtually all pro athletes use the terrorist fist jab to communicate their terrorist affiliations,” Ailes told reporters, before nodding off and nearly deep-throating his cigar.

Informed the gesture is usually referred to as a “fist bump,” Ailes didn’t miss a beat.

“We’re going to need to lock a lot of people up, most of them African-American,” the Fox News honcho insisted, “which just happens to fit nicely with Fox News and Republican Party objectives.”

Fox News is also reporting that, contrary to what many saw as a terrorist fist jab between terrorist colleagues, the bump exchanged by Senators Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX) and Diane Feinstein (D-CA) recently on CNN was actually a Hutchinson ploy.

“Kay was working underground for us on this, as so she often does.” said Ailes. “She was testing Senator Feinstein to see if she was a terrorist. And, of course, we all saw Feinstein’s un-American gesture.”

“That dude was on message!” said avid CSPAN-viewer Jerry Gary, of Venice, CA. “That was a tour de force!”

Rohrbacher’s paroxism of panty-hat references, in what was supposed to be a debate on harsh forms of interrogation used on 9/11 suspects, would appear to be a Capitol Hill record, until you talk with congressional pages.

“That may be an ‘on the record’ record, but us pages know better — trust me,” said a former page for former Congressman Tom Foley (R-FL) who asked that his name not be used for any stories related to panty hats. “Reps Foley and Rohrbacher used to throw some rip-snorting panty-hat-interrogation-Friday parties.”

Photos received today by Dogtown Ink appear to support the pages’ contentions that Rohrbacher is well-briefed on panty hats.

“Rohrbacher used to put a pair of panties on his head and challenge us to get information out of him,” said another unidentified page. “It was always in the guise of a game — panty hat Truth or Dare. But he’d get those panties on his head and just be in the zone.”

The pages said it’s little wonder that Rohrbacher displays such contempt for those who complain that interrogation-by-panty-hat is anything more than “hazing.”

“He’s frikkin’ intimidating in a soiled pair of panties,” yet another page insisting on anonymity said. “I’m still being treated for post traumatic stress syndrome.”

A recorded message on Rohrbacher’s office phone said the congressman would be unavailable for comment today due to a long-standing Friday spin-the-bottle game.

For those who missed the original story, here’s the USA TODAY report.