Dogtown Ink

PALO ALTO, CA — The hairy beast two men recently dragged from the Georgia woods believing it to be a mythical Bigfoot monster turns out instead to be legendary porn actor Ron Jeremy.

CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy.

NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John “That Weird Smile” McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he’s created by marketing a speechmaking DVD.

Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan “A leader we can believe in” from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: “I’m the white guy.”

VENICE. CA — A man considered “a person of interest” by Denver-area authorities investigating the armed robbery of an area convenience store by men in thong masks says he’s innocent and decries the persecution of people who wear thong masks. A Dogtown Ink exclusive video.

Sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for scamming scores of seniors out of their life savings, Lou Pearlman, the chubby/creepy/purvy dude responsible for the boy band plague was positively upbeat. “Talk about ‘Don’t throw me in the briar patch,’” said Pearlman.

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican said yesterday that it’s okay for the faithful to believe in space aliens — paving the way for a rumored merger with the Church of Scientology.

SAN DIEGO, CA — One hundred college students were busted here this week for selling drugs…inducing a sigh of relief from the 20 million other college students selling drugs everywhere else who weren’t busted.

Today Time magazine listed the five mistakes Hillary Clinton made in her failed attempt to win the Democratic party’s nomination for president — and got it all wrong. Here are the 5 REAL reasons her campaign screwed the pooch.