Screw ’em-gate: Hillary’s secret Tourette’s agony exposed! on 1617 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ’em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.

Breakthroughs by Scientists On Brain-Boost Drugs Nullified on 1615 2008

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In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”

ACT OF GOD MISSES THE MARK on 1615 2008

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SHAMROCK, TX — While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark.

After 6-Way Kidney Transplant, Docs Seek “One Measly Brain” For President Bush on 1510 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

A day after six selfless organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.

Clinton to Continue Campaign After Convention, Election, Immolation of Earth by Sun on 157 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”

Space Station Robot Gets Arms, Eyes — Awaits Johnson on 1218 2008

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Now that astronauts have successfully attached arms and camera “eyes” to the International Space Station’s new robot Dextre (for Dextrous Manipulator), all that’s left is the package.

Vatican Appends Appended List of Sins on 1112 2008

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Oops! The Vatican did it again! A day after updating its original sins with modern sins like polluting and pushing drugs, the Vatican is back with eight more modern sins.

Soccer Games Becoming “Major Distraction” for Fan Brawls on 1111 2008

by doglord | ˜ No Comments »

Will pure soccer hooligans ever be able to enjoy a lawless conflagration without having to deal with the unnecessary distraction of a bunch of twinks prancing around a playing field in kneepants?”

Universal Health Care…In The Water! on 109 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

“A vast array of pharmaceuticals — including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones — have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans,” according to AP writers.

Report Showing Men Who Do Housework Get More Sex Causes Run on Home Cleaning Products on 106 2008

by doglord | ˜ 3 Comments »

Grocers and hardware retailers nationwide have seen a run on house cleaning products after a report was released early today showing males who perform housework get more sex.

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