MARINA DEL REY, CA — The Environmental Protection Agency today placed watermelon on the endangered species list after reports that the fleshy fruit is nature’s Viagra sparked hoarding and riots in Marina Del Rey, Calif, home to the world’s largest concentration of aging horn dogs.
VENICE, CA — Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it’s illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. His patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.
LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”
Penis snatchers threaten prostate health in Congo on 1724 2008
KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.
After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ’em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.
In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”
ACT OF GOD MISSES THE MARK on 1615 2008
SHAMROCK, TX — While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark.
Naked Woman in Cheney’s Glasses Actually Naked Man on 1511 2008
VENICE, CA – Turns out theories regarding the reflection in Vice President Cheney’s sunglasses that has sent the bloggo-sphere into a tizzy are all wrong: It’s not the reflection of a naked woman, it’s a nude dude.
A day after six selfless organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.
Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”