Water Guzzling Benefits Debunked, Beer Guzzling Research Ongoing on 144 2008

by doglord | ˜ No Comments »

The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete. “We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”

ReDubUranus Organization Upstages Efforts to Rename SF Sewage Plant After Prez on 142 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

A day after reports in the press of efforts to rename a San Francisco Zoo-adjacent sewage treatment plant for President George W. Bush, a group calling itself ReDubUranus.org has stolen much of the commemorative thunder by announcing its own renaming campaign.

Airport Nipple Ring Incident Inspires Area Man on 141 2008

by doglord | ˜ 7 Comments »

VENICE, CA — When is a humiliating nipple-ring-removal-at-
airport-security-checkpoint incident actually a good thing? The short answer: Never.

Airline: Gun fired on plane “accidental,” pilot “merely brandishing to impress for sex” on 1326 2008

by doglord | ˜ No Comments »

Turns out the gun that discharged “accidentally” in a US Air cockpit was no big deal, though the airliner admitted that, like the face-shooting “hunting” incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney “there were some beers.” Still, the company maintained, “at no time was the flight crew doing shots of duty-free Jägermeister.”

Vatican Appends Appended List of Sins on 1112 2008

by doglord | ˜ No Comments »

Oops! The Vatican did it again! A day after updating its original sins with modern sins like polluting and pushing drugs, the Vatican is back with eight more modern sins.

Soccer Games Becoming “Major Distraction” for Fan Brawls on 1111 2008

by doglord | ˜ No Comments »

Will pure soccer hooligans ever be able to enjoy a lawless conflagration without having to deal with the unnecessary distraction of a bunch of twinks prancing around a playing field in kneepants?”

Universal Health Care…In The Water! on 109 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

“A vast array of pharmaceuticals — including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones — have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans,” according to AP writers.

Report Showing Men Who Do Housework Get More Sex Causes Run on Home Cleaning Products on 106 2008

by doglord | ˜ 3 Comments »

Grocers and hardware retailers nationwide have seen a run on house cleaning products after a report was released early today showing males who perform housework get more sex.

It’s 3 a.m. The phone rings… It’s Bill Clinton. He wants to party… on 104 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

“Hey, Sweet Cakes, what you wearin’?”

These are the words I hear, spoken in a familiar voice —Arkansas twang, erudite — when I answer my phone one recent late, late night.

“Disgraced former president Bill Clinton?”

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