VENICE, CA — Despite plummeting sales, plant closings and massive lay-offs, analysts say the automotive industry is actually experiencing strong job growth, fueled by a thriving smash-and-grab sector and industrious gas re-salers.
Auto industry’s surprise job boom: gas syphoning, catalytic converter boosting top list on 2917 2008
“Nature’s Viagra” watermelon placed on endangered list after Marina Del Rey riots on 2917 2008
MARINA DEL REY, CA — The Environmental Protection Agency today placed watermelon on the endangered species list after reports that the fleshy fruit is nature’s Viagra sparked hoarding and riots in Marina Del Rey, Calif, home to the world’s largest concentration of aging horn dogs.
Money shot in the arm: stimulus checks used for porn on 272 2008
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA — President Bush’s stimulus package is definitely doing some stimulating: According to AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), since the stimulus checks were sent out in May, many porn websites have reported membership increases of up to 30 percent.
Duct-tape hands-free headset spells relief for Calif. drivers on 271 2008
VENICE, CA — Inventor Cary Sperry has an answer for California drivers who can no longer make or take calls now that it’s illegal to use a hand-held cellphone while driving. His patent-pending innovation features “jaw-strap technology” that turns your existing cellphone into a hands-free device — simply by taping it to your head.
Man joins Victoria’s Secret thong injury lawsuit, claims thong “hurt my balls” on 2520 2008
LOS ANGLES, CA—A day after 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer Macrida Patterson filed suit against Victoria’s Secret, claiming a decorative jewel from one of the company’s thongs had shot into her eye, scratching her cornea and causing her to cry out in pain, a California man has joined the lawsuit, claiming the same model thong “really hurt my balls.”
Pentagon Gets Corporate Sponsors, New Name: KBR-Halliburton-Blackwater Center on 2518 2008
ARLINGTON, VA—First it was America’s sports stadiums that got corporate make-overs and skyboxes. Now it’s the country’s military installations. A spokesman for the military announced today that the armed forces will soon relocate from their current premises in the Pentagon to cut costs and make way for a make-over by the corporations actually waging the nation’s wars.
Couple caught doing it in confessional told that’s only for priests on 2411 2008
CESENA, ITALY — An Italian couple caught having sex in a church confessional during morning Mass have apologized after being told that playing hide the holy cannoli in confessionals is is only for the clergy.
Fox News Calls for “Terrorist Fist Jab” Internment Camps on 2410 2008
NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.
McCain to hawk speechmaking DVD on 236 2008
NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John “That Weird Smile” McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he’s created by marketing a speechmaking DVD.
Rep. Rohrbacher’s interrogation-by-panty-hat obsession explained on 236 2008
WASH. D.C. — Puzzling many, illustrious conservative congressman Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) managed to poo-poo panty hat torture eight times Wednesday during House Foreign Affairs Committee hearings on harsh interrogation tactics.
