Dogtown Ink

Days after co-opting the new campaign slogan “A leader we can believe in” from the Obama campaign, the McCain campaign is ditching it for a more concise message: “I’m the white guy.”

VENICE. CA — A man considered “a person of interest” by Denver-area authorities investigating the armed robbery of an area convenience store by men in thong masks says he’s innocent and decries the persecution of people who wear thong masks. A Dogtown Ink exclusive video.

Sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for scamming scores of seniors out of their life savings, Lou Pearlman, the chubby/creepy/purvy dude responsible for the boy band plague was positively upbeat. “Talk about ‘Don’t throw me in the briar patch,’” said Pearlman.

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican said yesterday that it’s okay for the faithful to believe in space aliens — paving the way for a rumored merger with the Church of Scientology.

SAN DIEGO, CA — One hundred college students were busted here this week for selling drugs…inducing a sigh of relief from the 20 million other college students selling drugs everywhere else who weren’t busted.

Today Time magazine listed the five mistakes Hillary Clinton made in her failed attempt to win the Democratic party’s nomination for president — and got it all wrong. Here are the 5 REAL reasons her campaign screwed the pooch.

Researchers in Britain are reporting today that women who consume mass quantities tend to conceive boys, while those who eat only popcorn produce girls. “You ladies who want boys best like big butts,” said the study’s lead researcher, Neville Pynch. “You want a baby girl, step away from the refrigerator.”

In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God.

VENICE, CA — A Venice man got a wake-up call from Heaven this weekend when not one but all three members of the Holy Trinity appeared in his Lumbjack Special at the Lincoln Boulevard IHOP. “I had just had a night of pretty heavy, well, sinning,” said Lance Francis.

A day after six selfless organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.