Jailed Polygamist Leader One of Cellmate’s Multiple B****s on 0929 2008

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Despite serving 10 years to life in the Utah State Prison for polygamous-related behavior, famed polygamist leader Warren Jeffs continues the practice — in a manner of speaking.

David Blaine Thrills By Escaping Notice! on 0823 2008

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With his latest nauseating feat of public masochism, master escape artist David Blaine has finally accomplished what many have waited with baited breath for the prestidigitator to do: He’s completely escaped notice!

USDA: “Slaughterhouse Inhumane” Cattle: “Ya Think?” on 0819 2008

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After examining video recently shot at a Chino, California slaughterhouse, the USDA has concluded that practices there are inhumane.
“Duh,” said Beau Vine, League of Edible Animals spokesteer, from a teeming holding pen outside the Chino “facility.”

International Dork-on-X-treme-Pogo-Stick Institute: Hospital Food “Not So Good” on 0715 2008

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“I can’t honestly say whether or not hospital food is good or not because I’m being fed through a tube,” Clark continued blinking. “But it smells like ass. I can still smell.”

Roger Clemens Denies Steroid Use, Punches Out Congress on 0713 2008

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Thirty-nine-time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Roger Clemens returned to Capitol Hill today, repeating denials that he used performance enhancing drugs before dropping to the floor for 300 clapping push-ups and punching out everyone on the panel.

First Ladies Man—Bill Clinton: “Fired Up and Ready To Go Day One!” on 0711 2008

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“I’m pumped to serve as First Ladies Man—very!” Clinton told reportedly told . “And I’ve got ZERO problem with it. I’ll be fired up and ready to go day one. Day Two, too. Hell, I’ll go every day of the week, God willing.”

Study: More Americans In Rehab Than Out on 068 2008

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A new study finds more Americans in rehab than out, though hard numbers for those who are out were difficult to obtain (given that most were “out” clubbing or “out” cold from the previous night’s clubbing).

Flesh-Eating Virus Going Vegan? on 066 2008

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“This may sound crazy, but I’m thinking hard about going vegan,” the Flesh-Eating Virus (F-EV) told Entertainment Tonight’s Pat O’Brien on a segment last night that sought to portray the Virus’ softer side.

United To Charge Extra for Losing Second Bag on 065 2008

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United Airlines announced today that it would soon begin charging some passengers extra for losing a second bag.

D.I.Y. F.-ing Tedious on 0426 2008

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Researchers studying ultra-hip do-it-yourself (D.I.Y.) culture have confirmed the worst suspicions of many D.I.Y.ers come lately: It’s a royal pain in the ass and the results usually suck.

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