Breakthroughs by Scientists On Brain-Boost Drugs Nullified on 1615 2008

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In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”

Roger Clemens Denies Steroid Use, Punches Out Congress on 0713 2008

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Thirty-nine-time Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Roger Clemens returned to Capitol Hill today, repeating denials that he used performance enhancing drugs before dropping to the floor for 300 clapping push-ups and punching out everyone on the panel.