Dogtown Ink

NEW YORK, NY — A week after correctly guessing that Barak Obama’s celebratory fist bump with his wife after securing the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, was, in fact a “terrorist fist jab,” Fox News is calling for the construction of hundreds of terrorist fist jab interment camps across the U.S.

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Having left audiences nationwide slack-jawed and dumbstruck by his Tuesday night speech before a green backdrop that makes it a snap to superimpose porno on, Republican senator and presidential hopeful John “That Weird Smile” McCain plans to cash in on the buzz he’s created by marketing a speechmaking DVD.

WASH. D.C. — Puzzling many, illustrious conservative congressman Dana Rohrbacher (R-CA) managed to poo-poo panty hat torture eight times Wednesday during House Foreign Affairs Committee hearings on harsh interrogation tactics.

Sentenced Wednesday to 25 years in federal prison for scamming scores of seniors out of their life savings, Lou Pearlman, the chubby/creepy/purvy dude responsible for the boy band plague was positively upbeat. “Talk about ‘Don’t throw me in the briar patch,’” said Pearlman.

SAN DIEGO, CA — One hundred college students were busted here this week for selling drugs…inducing a sigh of relief from the 20 million other college students selling drugs everywhere else who weren’t busted.

Today Time magazine listed the five mistakes Hillary Clinton made in her failed attempt to win the Democratic party’s nomination for president — and got it all wrong. Here are the 5 REAL reasons her campaign screwed the pooch.

Researchers in Britain are reporting today that women who consume mass quantities tend to conceive boys, while those who eat only popcorn produce girls. “You ladies who want boys best like big butts,” said the study’s lead researcher, Neville Pynch. “You want a baby girl, step away from the refrigerator.”

KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.

In demonstrating that men who masturbate more frequently are less likely to develop prostate cancer, Australian researchers have finally proven there is, in fact, a God.

A day after six selfless organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.