100 Coed Drug Dealers Busted! (20 Million Others Still Open for Business) on 199 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

SAN DIEGO, CA — One hundred college students were busted here this week for selling drugs…inducing a sigh of relief from the 20 million other college students selling drugs everywhere else who weren’t busted.

The 5 (Other) Mistakes Clinton Made on 198 2008

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Today Time magazine listed the five mistakes Hillary Clinton made in her failed attempt to win the Democratic party’s nomination for president — and got it all wrong. Here are the 5 REAL reasons her campaign screwed the pooch.

Men are from Big Macs, Women are from Celery on 1724 2008

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Researchers in Britain are reporting today that women who consume mass quantities tend to conceive boys, while those who eat only popcorn produce girls. “You ladies who want boys best like big butts,” said the study’s lead researcher, Neville Pynch. “You want a baby girl, step away from the refrigerator.”

Penis snatchers threaten prostate health in Congo on 1724 2008

by doglord | ˜ 18 Comments »

KINSHASA, CONGO — A day after Australian researchers reported that frequent masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer, a penis-snatching epidemic in Congo threatens to undermine that nation’s prostate health.

HOLY TRIFECTA! Whole Holy Trinity in IHOP Breakfast! on 1721 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

VENICE, CA — A Venice man got a wake-up call from Heaven this weekend when not one but all three members of the Holy Trinity appeared in his Lumbjack Special at the Lincoln Boulevard IHOP. “I had just had a night of pretty heavy, well, sinning,” said Lance Francis.

Breakthroughs by Scientists On Brain-Boost Drugs Nullified on 1615 2008

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In the wake of reports that over 20 percent of scientists use brain-boosting drugs, the Intl. Science Committee (ISC) announced today that results of any and all science performed with the aid of such drugs would be thrown out: “All breakthroughs, discoveries and cures achieved by cheating are hereby nullified…even if they do cure cancer,” said ISC spokesperson, Dr. Lucius Taint. “Our regrets to those with cancer; best get your affairs in order.”

ACT OF GOD MISSES THE MARK on 1615 2008

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SHAMROCK, TX — While the heavens opened up over West Texas last week wreaking havoc on countless homes and businesses, the act of God actually missed its mark.

Naked Woman in Cheney’s Glasses Actually Naked Man on 1511 2008

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VENICE, CA – Turns out theories regarding the reflection in Vice President Cheney’s sunglasses that has sent the bloggo-sphere into a tizzy are all wrong: It’s not the reflection of a naked woman, it’s a nude dude.

After 6-Way Kidney Transplant, Docs Seek “One Measly Brain” For President Bush on 1510 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

A day after six selfless organ donors made possible a mix-and-match transplant of multiple kidneys to needy recipients, doctors were seeking donors for another desperately-needed organ transplant — a brain, this time — for the President of the United States.

Space Station Robot Gets Arms, Eyes — Awaits Johnson on 1218 2008

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Now that astronauts have successfully attached arms and camera “eyes” to the International Space Station’s new robot Dextre (for Dextrous Manipulator), all that’s left is the package.

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