Screw ’em-gate: Hillary’s secret Tourette’s agony exposed! on 1617 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

After evidence emerged today that, in 1995, Hillary Clinton told then-President Bill Clinton “screw ’em” in reference to working class southerners, she insisted that she once fought and won an agonizing, private battle with Tourette’s syndrome.

Clinton to Continue Campaign After Convention, Election, Immolation of Earth by Sun on 157 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

Despite mounting pressure from Democratic party leaders for Hillary Clinton to end her campaign to be the party’s nominee for president, Hillary Clinton today insisted she has “no intention whatsoever of quitting the race…ever.”

Water Guzzling Benefits Debunked, Beer Guzzling Research Ongoing on 144 2008

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The same scientific team that today announced it had debunked the conventional wisdom that drinking eight glasses of water per day improves health, admits their beer-guzzling research is taking longer to complete. “We’re gonna need more time,” said Dr. Dick Leaky of Waterhouse Labs. “And maybe a bunch of pizzas.”

ReDubUranus Organization Upstages Efforts to Rename SF Sewage Plant After Prez on 142 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

A day after reports in the press of efforts to rename a San Francisco Zoo-adjacent sewage treatment plant for President George W. Bush, a group calling itself ReDubUranus.org has stolen much of the commemorative thunder by announcing its own renaming campaign.

Airline: Gun fired on plane “accidental,” pilot “merely brandishing to impress for sex” on 1326 2008

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Turns out the gun that discharged “accidentally” in a US Air cockpit was no big deal, though the airliner admitted that, like the face-shooting “hunting” incident involving Vice President Dick Cheney “there were some beers.” Still, the company maintained, “at no time was the flight crew doing shots of duty-free Jägermeister.”

Soccer Games Becoming “Major Distraction” for Fan Brawls on 1111 2008

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Will pure soccer hooligans ever be able to enjoy a lawless conflagration without having to deal with the unnecessary distraction of a bunch of twinks prancing around a playing field in kneepants?”

It’s 3 a.m. The phone rings… It’s Bill Clinton. He wants to party… on 104 2008

by doglord | ˜ 1 Comment »

“Hey, Sweet Cakes, what you wearin’?”

These are the words I hear, spoken in a familiar voice —Arkansas twang, erudite — when I answer my phone one recent late, late night.

“Disgraced former president Bill Clinton?”